Thursday, March 10, 2005

A valediction

I coughed and said, “Yeah.”

“Water under the bridge, Jack.”

I said, “Yeah.”

“I thought it would be more fun. I mean, I wouldn’t call that ‘fun’.”

“It scared me, Amanda, really.”

She nodded slowly. “Did you ever think of me, all these years?”

“Yes. More than probably anybody.”

“Are you for real?”

I said, “Yeah.”

“But you never loved me, then, did you?”

“What did I know? I was a stupid kid.”

She said, “Yeah, that’s what you keep saying.”

I thought for a moment. Her ragged breathing knocked against me. I stared at the ceiling. “But you wanna know a secret?”

She pushed herself up against me. “Don’t say what I think you’re going to say.”

“It’s not bad. What the hell did you think I was gonna say?”

She settled back down. “I don’t know, but be careful.”

I gathered her in again and said, “I love you now, anyway.”

“Jesus!” She smacked at me and sat up. “I knew you were going to say that. That is so manipulative. It’s goddamn unfair to say that! Jesus, Jack!”

I was genuinely surprised. “What do you mean, manipulative? If you say that to a girl to get her into bed, okay, but afterwards, it’s like a, I don’t know, a valediction—”

She was standing up now, gesturing all over the place. “You’re just a piece of shit. You don’t come back to someone ten years later and say evil shit like that.”

“What’s evil? It’s—”

“What’s evil! The whole thing is evil, because it even sounded real. I think I deserve better than that, Jack. You broke the first rule of sleeping with ex-girlfriends. Keep it on a professional level. What the hell are they teaching you out in so-called New York?”

“I’m sorry, Amanda, I really didn’t think you—”

“Well, you’d better go. You can’t stay here anyway. I’ve got to get up early. I’m sorry. I mean, I was going to make you leave anyway. But you’d better go.”

I gathered up my heap of clothes and dressed mournfully in the bathroom while I listened to her starting a different kind of crying, which seemed more desperate. I guess because now she didn’t even have me on her side. When I went back in, dressed, she had on a silk robe and she was staring at her baby. I waved goodbye to the sleeping baby and Amanda gave me a carefully conciliatory hug. She even kissed me a kiss drenched in Our Last Time Together. “This was pretty sad,” she said. “I’m not sure you should have come.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Should I call you in ten years?”

She didn’t smile. “No.”

“I don’t know what to say to you that isn’t stupid.”

“Stop using the word ‘stupid’ all the time to describe us, how about that.”

“I’m sorry, Amanda, I’m just an idiot.”

“Great. I fucked an idiot. You’d better go.”

“I just hate leaving you like this.”

“Maybe you should stick around until Tom comes home. Maybe we could all get some closure that way, after he beats the shit out of you.”

I shrugged. “Okay. I’m sorry. Did it end like this ten years ago? I feel like we had our whole relationship over again in five hours.”

“No, it was worse ten years ago, because I cared about you. I’m going to have to say goodnight now. Krista will be getting up soon and I need to catch some sleep.” She walked me to the door, smiled tiredly, no hug or kiss, and I went. Fortunately, neither of us had once mentioned holiday cheer; that would have made it even worse, the heartfelt “Get out of my life” closed by the automatic “Merry Christmas”.

It wasn’t even that late, maybe ten o’clock. I had never been kicked out of an apartment, post-intercourse, at this time of evening before. I drove back the familiar miles and I let myself in my mother’s house with the hidden key she still kept there. I snuck upstairs and met her suddenly on the landing. “Look who decided to show up,” she said, and sailed into her room with a door that didn’t slam, but left no doubt.

by Jack, March 10, 2005 5:30 PM | More from Amanda | More from Women

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7 Comments

shimamoto said:

And it does forbid mourning. Jack, you're so literarily consistent. I'm thrilled.

Jack Author Profile Page said:

If I got divorced, do you think I could work in something from "John Donne, Ann Donne, undone", or is that too specific to them only?

asdf said:

hey, when is the next story going to come up here? i am getting tired of waiting. if i didnt know better, id say jack has been leading a boring life these past 8 days for lack of posting. and that would be very damaging to my image of him.

Jack Author Profile Page said:

I know that my blog marketability is damaged, maybe fatally, by my irregular posting schedule. However, your assumption is backwards: things are so good and interesting in my life right now that I have no time to write about them. Don't worry, that won't last for long! Then you'll hear all about it.

tracie said:

thats a great story but i dont think amanda should have chucked him out for saying that he loved her it isnt that offensive

jkl said:

wherefore art thou jack? your apparent ownership of an interesting life is very discouraging.

Anonymous said:

you're april's only fool Jack. who are we to welcome the springtime alone?

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