More ghosts
Amanda shifted on the sofa, pulling her legs up so I could see they weren’t fat, except I couldn’t, with the sweatpants. The ankles were thin. She had the arms rolled up as well, and the arms looked okay. “Let me think. Remember Sharon Houseman?”
“Yeah. Dancer. Acrobatic. H. O. T. T.”
“Right. She’s big now.”
“She was a dancer. She was athletic!”
“At sixteen she was athletic,” she said. “Now she sits behind a desk. Um, who else. Penny Trainer.”
“Oh my god. Penny?”
“She got heavy.”
“Oh my god.”
“You didn’t—was there something between you?”
“I think there was,,” I said thoughtfully. “Oh my god, she had this little upturned nose. It would look bad on a fat person.”
“Yeah, now it’s got burst blood vessels.”
“Wow, wow, wow. I can’t even believe I remember these people, and now you’re saying they’ve gone.”
“Asshole. They’re fat, not dead. Maybe they’re happier this way?”
“Maybe, but a piece of me dies every time a hot girl gains a hundred pounds,” I said. “Why is it that you look even better now? I didn’t think that’d be possible.”
“Stop saying that. C’mon, I don’t. I was such a tight little number then.”
“Well, I think you’ve improved, but maybe it’s just I’m no longer sexually attracted to fifteen-year-olds. Okay, I’m afraid to ask, because she would never talk to me. Maybe that’s why I liked her. But not snobby, she just didn’t like anybody. We even went to the same college the first year, but by the time I got up the courage to give her another try, she had dropped out. What about Sue Ellen Palowski?”
“Actually, uh, I forgot you didn’t know. Sue Ellen is dead.”
“Oh my god. Was she sick?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it. Yeah, well, apparently she couldn’t handle school, she was always sort of moody, right? She eventually moved to Chicago and was working on her drawing, or something, she was starting to have success as an artist, she always drew. Or paintings maybe. She started to sell them, and she was starting to feel better about her life. I actually talked to her, we were friends, you know, a little. I didn’t know you had a thing for her. Maybe I wouldn’t have been her friend, so I’m glad I didn’t know. I talked to her one day and she actually sounded happy. This was maybe five years ago. A week later she was hit by a bus.”
“A bus?”
“Crossing the street.”
“Holy shit. Sue Ellen. I had no idea.”
“Yeah. I guess, though, she was always so unhappy, so she went out while she was happy.”
“Well, that’s one way to look at it. You could also say that she died very young, for no reason.”
Another black look from her. She said, “Think whatever you want. You can’t change it.”
“I’ll go back to looking both ways on the street. And so much for my erection.”
“Sorry. Probably better that way. I’m a married woman.”
“And yet, as your ruination, as the man who led you astray, I feel we will always be linked. In a groinal way.” This is what passes for light banter. I wanted to have sex with her, but I also wanted to joke about it.
She shrugged. “Feel that way if you want, it doesn’t matter. I think I was the one who led you astray. Just because you thought you were hot shit? I mean, you hadn’t even gotten off with anyone. I chose you.”
No one except the clerk at the bookstore. And then two girls my age around the time Amanda dumped me because she thought I was cheating on her, which I held against her. A detail for another time, such as never. “Thanks for the send-off,” I said.
“I think I was pretty damn nice to you. Do you deny that?”
“Of course not. You were too good for me.”
“Obviously. You were a sixteen-year-old jerk.”
“Yeah. But you were a cheerleader. It was meant to be.”
“Yeah. That was the worst part. I may have been dirty, and hot, but you definitely didn’t rate a cheerleader.”
“For your good tricks, I mean works, in this world, you’ll be rewarded in the next,” I reminded her.
“So where are you staying tonight?” She put her hand on my leg.
I looked at it. “You mean I can’t stay here?”
Her hand moved further, but she said, “Hell no. I’m up and down fifty times because of the little screaming angel. Anyway, it’s so nice to sleep alone for a change. Men are always in the way.”
“I’m well-behaved. Interesting that we’ve never slept next to each other. Do you think maybe that means something? We had sex in hidden places, and went home to our separate beds. That’s mostly what I have done since.”
“Yeah, me too. I mean, before shacking up and all that.” The hand was on my crotch now, but not touching it. Hovering.
“What are you doing?”
“Who? Nothing. Am I touching you? Who’s doing anything?”
“Okay. I guess I have no evidence.” I may not be the swiftest, but she seemed to be suggesting a kind of “understanding” which involved fucking. The old neighborhood. “But you’re a married woman,” I reminded her, because I am generally looking for ways to avoid sex with people who seem to like me.
“Yeah, but as you may recall, I knew you before I knew him.”
“I also seem to recall from our youth that you didn’t believe in sex before marriage. Isn’t that why you stopped screwing me?”
“But now I am married, and I hardly believe in it at all. Anyway, I was just a kid; what did I know?”
“Well, that’s what I—oh, you’re making fun of me. You can’t seduce a guy while you’re—”
She was smiling, and she raised herself up and sat in my lap, Las Vegas-style.
“Now this time, you are touching me for sure.”
“No, it’s just our clothes. I’m a million miles away.” She rocked back thoughtfully. Jeans pressed against sweatpants as in a fairy tale.
“It doesn’t feel that way. It feels different.”
Rocking thoughtfully, she said, “I can’t believe you’re really here.”
“It’s been a long time, Amanda.”
“Did you miss me?” she asked.
“Now I know I did,” I said, and we moved to kiss each other at the same moment, just like when I was sixteen and didn’t know not to be romantic all the time. Then she said, “Don’t think of Sue Ellen Palowski,” which I had been from the first moment we had discussed her. How did Amanda get so smart? Were all the girls smarter now? Was I the only one who was still an idiot? Maybe they were always smart, but they didn’t mention it until now. But I stopped thinking of Sue Ellen Palowski, because Amanda was hotter. And, not counting that she was not buried in the ground, she was dirtier.
TO BE CONTINUED….
by Jack, March 6, 2005 4:54 PM | More from Amanda | More from Women
Within the Chronology
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“Maybe, but a piece of me dies every time a hot girl gains a hundred pounds,”
I've had that quote on a post-it on my computer desk top for a year. Fucking brilliant. It's my fave jack quote ever.