Oops I fucked Jack
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that I was once married to Britney Spears. I hardly even know her. There, that gets our topical-reference-being-beaten-to-death-in-everyone-else’s-blog out of the way. I’m sort of the Jay Leno of self-loathing, and this, friends, is my monologue.
Welcome to Trouble Sells…2004. Days before the actual event, I was worried about how to begin the new year with you, my public. I walked the streets of New York City — for those of you joining us in our new season, that is the backdrop for my suffering — trying to determine what I would tell you and how much it would hurt. And waiting for something to happen to me worth reporting. I felt we had ended the year on a positive, if lonesome, note. I got These Explosions in under the wire to be considered at the 2003 Oscars (we are hoping for wins in both Best Exploding and Best Supporting Exploding). I had sex with people who didn’t like me. And I was prepared to do all that and more in the new year. And that’s just what I’ve done.
Hear me, now.
One thing I always liked about Alcoholics Anonymous was the fact that the name made no allusion to the fact that they are trying to stop drinking. It just sounds like a bunch of drunks who don’t want anyone to know they’re there. Which is exactly what a bar is. Anyway, New Year’s Eve was not the night I wanted to be seen at my bar, or any bar. It’s amateur night, and as the young Turk the New York Times called “drinking’s rising star,”* that wasn’t the face I wanted to show to the world. Also, I heard some “chatter” on the terrorism end of the CB band about wanting to blow up Lower East Side watering holes because they hate our free drink specials.
But there I was, sitting in my hermitage, goblet in hand — and suddenly unprepared to face a second December holiday without assistance. It was nine o’clock on the last day of the year when I hit the streets. I wasn’t necessarily looking for companionship, I just felt like being around people. I wanted proof that people existed. It’s not much to ask, but New York streets can provide it. It was windy but not cold. Every now and then I’d hit a knot of revelers in silly hats. I smiled at them indulgently. It’s their once-a-year day. Myself, I don’t wear paper hats when drinking. Unless I’m working at the Burger King. But I was doing my best to be loving of my fellow man, at least for the rest of 2003.
On a lark, I entered the New York City Subway System at Broadway and Eighth Street, making sure beforehand to salute my second-favorite building, the former headquarters of the Woolworth Corporation, all that way downtown. Happily chugging along the Broadway line, I soon found myself in a rush of people getting off at Times Square. I wasn’t sure what they all planned to do there, so I followed them. But I never made it to Times Square, although apparently Mike Bloomberg was able to fill in for me at the last minute. My celebration played out…underground.
TO BE CONTINUED in the next iconoclastic installment of TROUBLE SELLS
* “The world is neither a glass half full nor half empty to Jack Task. He is only satisfied when it is fully empty, and with that goal in mind he emptied twenty or thirty glasses during our interview….Drink on! Mr. Task and others like him have changed the way modern society views drinking, not only in frat houses, but around the world. It is because of these pioneers, dedicated to the art of consumption of alcoholic beverages, that it has become a conduct of great merit.” — Adam Nagourney, “Towards a New Alcoholism,” The New York Times, February 3, 1997 (starred review). Yes, I was in a frat. That’s another story.
by Jack, January 5, 2004 8:31 PM | More from Drinking | More from The Blue Girl
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Bleary-eyed, I was flipping through an ancient greasy magazine left here at the hospital and found an article that made me think of you. Here's the link -
http://www.newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/nightlife/barsclubs/features/n_8312/
There are some nice comments like, "If you can remember where you live in New York, you can continue to drink."
Keep up the good work.