Saturday, December 6, 2003

I have Larry King's shit down

But you don’t come here for regurgitated platitudes like “Larry King is an idiot.” To the contrary, if you look up Trouble Sells in the dictionary, you see a picture of iconoclasm. If we’ve got one thing, it’s class, class, class, and style.

I’m a little concerned that no one is trying to figure out who I am really, if anyone, so I’m just going to give up. I’m really Joe Klein, just like last time. Mickey Martinez of Costa Mesa, you win the office pool. Everybody else, I fooled you again!

Since the only (note to posterity: this was before my meteoric rise to the top of the charts, or in fact before the charts for this type of thing had been developed) link to my page has been based on my better-late-than-never analysis of the election of 1992, I’d like to return to the sphere of what John Kenneth Galbraith referred to as “choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.” Since that’s my crossroads just about every night at closing time, I know the truth of what he says.

Everyone and his grandmother wants to chime in on the 2004 contest, even though the variety of opinions means most of them have to be wrong. It goes against my nature to lower myself to the Larry King level of “current events,” which I leave to those who lack a sense of the grand sweep of the ages. However, I have discovered a few sniping comments I can make on these events and personalities which are not in danger of being repeated in the mainstream, at least not by anyone other than the people I ripped them off from. I am going to phrase them as short, incisive, semi-coherent Larry King-like aphorisms.

John Kerry. Not only will he not win the presidency, with Al Sharpton in the race he doesn’t even get Best Hair.

Joe Lieberman. He will never be president, but he will knock them dead as Willy Loman on Broadway.

Dick Gephardt. They say those who do not study history are condemned to repeat it, but when it’s your own abysmal previous presidential run you forgot about, you’re in trouble.

(Note from the more nuanced, non-Larry King part of my mind: Gep won three state primaries when he was young(ish) and dynamic(ish). Three, folks. Further note: there are fifty states.)

That’s the horserace as I see it. The winner will be one of those other people. Probably whoever gets the most money and delegates and votes. Next issue.

by Jack, December 6, 2003 11:10 AM | More from Election 2004 | More from The Damned Human Race

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woman said:

You sound like McLaughlin to me.

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