Chicken rolls: a love story
Let me give you some advice. If, at some time, you are given the task of painting a sign which is designed to make me a happier man, let me tell you what to write on the sign. The sign should read as follows: CHICKEN ROLL BULK DISCOUNT.
I actually giggled with giddy glee when the man said, “What do you want, mac?” and I said, hardly believing the truth of it, “Ch-chicken roll, p-please.” To think that it is that easy! It only costs four dollars, well within reach of the working man’s salary. I bought one, and I held it with both hands as I walked back to the studio, where I and my chicken roll united.
A short, informative digression: when you go to any store in the world and buy something which they put in a paper sack, you are handed the paper sack upright, which is to say with the opening at the top. This is true if you are at a hardware store, a deli, or anywhere — anywhere, of course, but a pizza place. If you buy something at a pizza place — anything, a pizza, some baked ziti, even the already-mentioned c.r. — and it is put in a paper sack, the sack will enter your hands horizontally, which is to say with the opening parallel to the ground. You must carry it this way as well, because if you turn it upright, all the cheese will stick to the bag.
So when you walk down the street with your bag from the hardware store, or the deli, no one knows what is inside it, or what kind of store you have visited. But when you walk down the street with your bag from the pizza place, you are marked as a patron of pizza. Further, one can suspect that, if the bag is horizontal, regardless of the specific product contained, somehow it involves a form of dough, cheese, and tomatoes. There is no secrecy possible. Everyone knows you like chicken rolls. And I, for one, am proud that they do.
So I get on the elevator with a woman who works in the office downstairs. This is what happens.
She: “How are you doing?” Me: “I’m good. I’m going to be a whole lot better in a few minutes.” (I point to my bag.) “There’s a chicken roll in here.” She: (Holds up her own bag.) “Tuna.” Me: “No, no, no. You’ve got to go all the way. Life is too short. Chic-ken rolllll.”
It’s still true.
by Jack, October 17, 2003 12:50 AM | More from The Damned Human Race
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This story sucks dirty ass. I don't care what people carry in their bags. And if someone I didn't know pointed out to me that my stupid tuna fish sandwich wasn't "going all the way" but that HE, with another equally stupid sandwich, somehow had gone all the way, I'd think he was an asshole dick-wad with a complex that someone he and his fucking retarded definitions of the world were superior to everyone else's simply because they make him laugh. And I'd never pay any money for any of his lame insights because, not only is he devoid of any insight beyond a 12 year old boy's "Corn dog, man! I said Corn Dog!" but he is gratuitously mean to other people, when other people aren't even trying to be special. I'll take anyone else's simple, "Yum Tuna!" anyday over "No, dude, chicken roll - you have to go all the way!" What a creep.
Meg, thanks for taking the time to register your concern. It happens to be that the woman with the tuna laughed uproariously at my witty chicken roll-related remark. Any reasonable person sees why a chicken roll would be better than a tuna fish sandwich under any circumstances. You probably don't even know what a chicken roll is, because all you ever do is go to Shoney's and Applebee's and the food counter at Wal-Mart.
Your short and touching story regurgatated my longing for that perfect of all sandwich meats...chicken roll. I remember fondly growing up in Elmwood Park,NJ and going to Lil's Deli for a liverwurst and chicken roll sandwich with mustard on a kasier roll. A side of the best potato salad and a can of cream soda. Alas, I now live in chicken roll free Colorado. (no processed meats out here!!) Every trip back home revolves around at least one trip back to this culinary heaven.
I am always glad when my words can move a fellow traveler. However, I think you're thinking of some other kind of chicken roll. Is it possible that our brothers across the Hudson use the name of the chicken roll differently? My chicken roll is sort of like a calzone. Yours sounds like "chicken loaf" and scares me a little.